The Day the Suether Attacked
by Gleefully Wicked
Summary: Just a normal day for Wednesday and Lucas turns into a nightmare when they're terrorized by the worst known things to fandom; a badfic author and her supermegafoxyawesomehot Mary Sue. Crack! Rating for some adult content, but nothing too bad.


**Author's Note:  
**

**Ok, I wrote this several months back, and had it posted on deviantart because I'm kind of paranoid about hurting people's feelings. With some thought, I've decided to finally post it here. It's partially based off of the worst fanfic ever, My Immortal. There's some direct references to it, but you don't need to read it to understand this (seriously, just don't read it).  
**

**This is crack, and it in no way is making fun of anyone in particular.**

It was a sunny and really pleasant day in Central Park. The birds chirped happily from their perches in the trees surrounding the creepy Addams mansion. Below them Lucas Beineke had his eyes closed in fear.

"Are you ready Babe?" His awesomely gothic girlfriend Wednesday called to him from a few feet away. She had another one of his ties covering her eyes. This one was black and green like Slytherin.

"Yeah." He opened his eyes so he would be looking at her in case she killed him. Wednesday counted to three in her head and then shot the arrow. She didn't see it but the ancestors jumped out and made sure the arrow didn't kill Lucas. It went right through the apple Lucas was balancing on his head. Wednesday tore the tie off her head and ran over to Lucas. They began to make out really hardcore and Wednesday tackled him. Suddenly a voice yelled,

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" It was…Mal Beineke! Wednesday stuck up her middle finger at him and he went back in the house.

"Maybe we should go inside now?" Lucas suggested. Wednesday sighed and got off of him.

"Hey maybe I can teach you how to tango!" Wednesday suggested. Lucas was about to accept when a puff of rainbow smoke appeared before the lovely couple. When it cleared away it revealed a stunning girl. Her hair was a beautiful platinum blonde that cascaded down her back. Her eyes were the color of fresh spring lilacs and seemed to twinkle with kindness. She wore all black clothes except for light blue fishnets. She smiled at Wednesday and Lucas.

"Hi!" She greeted the two enthusiastically

"Who are you?" Lucas asked, completely caught up in her beauty. She giggled.

"I'm Wednesday's cousin, Lilac Ellisia Veronica Dr. Sparkles Mars Willow Rosalie Isabella Mimi Maureen Sookie J-Woww Leprechaun Fairy Wendla Cosette Ilse Faberry Glenn Coco Amy Lee Galinda(with a GA) Lucy Zoomba Fonteeso Mario Lita Rogers T-Swizzie Hermione Christine Bartok The Magnificent Streeper Cordelia Barbie Debris Meyer Way-Addams. But you can call me Lilac of course. I'm staying here for the summer and then I'm going to Hogwarts to have lots of wacky misadventures with our other cousin, Harry Potter." She finally inhaled. "OMG Wednesday I missed you so much!" She flung her arms around the slightly shorter girl.

_**It was at that very moment that something inside of Wednesday snapped. There was a flash in her eyes as all of the OOC poison left her body.**_

"Wait a minute, what's happening?" She asked nobody in particular. The incredibly bubbly girl still continued to warmly embrace her. It made her want to drive a dagger into her stomach. Lilac let her go and looked her in the eye.

"What's wrong, Wednesday? Are you overcome with joy from seeing your dear cousin for the first time in years?" She asked with a concerned tone. Her voice was almost a dead ringer for Marilyn Monroe. Wednesday ignored her and looked up at the blue sky.

"What exactly is the meaning of this?" She called to the heavens. There was silence for a few moments; even the birds stopped chirping. Then a loud, high pitched voice that seemed to come from all around them yelled,

"**You are ruining my story, Wednesday! Do what I write or I'll be forced to do things I really don't want to do." **The voice threatened. Wednesday was about to say something snarky to the teenaged girl when she noticed that Lucas was still staring at the Mary Sue who was currently twirling a strand of her hair around her finger with a vacant look in her eye. Such a thing was to be expected since the author hadn't actually given her a personality, so all of her actions would have to be written by the author herself. Wednesday honestly wasn't as concerned for the pitiful, mindless creature as she was for her fiancé.

"Lucas?" She called to him. He looked at her and grinned.

"Yes, my gothic princess?" He asked her like a cross between a devoted servant, and a man completely blinded by love. He was still very firmly under the control of the author. Wednesday looked him in the eye apologetically before slapping him across the face with all of her strength.

"OW!" He cried and put a hand over his reddened cheek. "What was that for? Ah man, I think you might have broken my cheekbone!" Lucas was experiencing way too much pain to still be under the control of the sadistic teenager; Wednesday knew he would thank her for it later.

"**WTF, you can't just hit Lucas!" **The author was appalled by her heroine's (completely in-character) act of violence. Lucas heard this and ignored his pain.

"Who said that?" He asked, panicking while looking around in all directions for the source of the voice.

"The story's writer. She controls the world around us and will cause things to happen via sabotage. She's pure evil." Lucas looked to the sky. The sky had turned purple and the clouds were moving very unnaturally. The wind began to blow almost as if it were the beginning of a hurricane. Lucas firmly grasped the hand of his fiancée.

"Run!" He yelled over the wind and the two began to sprint in no particular direction. They couldn't go into the house because despite the author's ignorance, she probably knew what could be done with things like a rack, an arsenal of weapons, and an angry bear rug; they couldn't run to the street because who knows what the author would do with eight-million potential OCs; an the wind was blowing way too hard to risk one of the park's trees falling on them. In all actuality, the two had no reason to think about this, because the author had already cooked up a seemingly foolproof plan in her twisted noodle, and it was already set in motion.

Wednesday and Lucas managed to run all the way to the far edge of the cemetery before the ground seemed to disappear from below them and they fell down, down, down. They held hands tighter, knowing they were most likely going to either going to turn into WxL mash when they hit the bottom, or they were going to burn in the center of the earth if the chasm was deep enough. Suddenly, they abruptly stopped; still a foot or two off the ground in a force field type of thing. It disappeared and the two hit the stone floor.

Wednesday managed to recover from her vertigo faster than Lucas and took in their surroundings. It kind of looked like the inside of one of the ancient Addams tombs, except there was no exit and it was obviously hastily made by the author. Despite the hopeless situation, she helped Lucas up and tried to logically think of a way out of this situation. Unfortunately, she knew that they would either be forced to go along with the crazed author, or die down there. But at least she and Lucas were going to die together. She was mentally screaming at herself for thinking like her mother when the author's creation, Lilac stepped out of the shadows.

"HI!" She greeted them cheerfully with a huge grin on her face. It was rather disturbing, given their current setting. Wednesday reached behind her back to get a hold of her crossbow. "Oh, there's no need for that, Wednesday. I'm going to let you put it down in the corner now." Lilac said through her teeth. Wednesday knew that she was serious, and would probably take the crossbow with force if needed. She pulled the carrying strap over her head and gently put the ranged weapon on the ground.

"Alright, she put the crossbow down. Now what exactly do you want from us?" Lucas angrily at the ceiling.

"The author would prefer that you speak to her through me." Lilac said to him calmly. "And she wants you do everything she- well, I ask." She answered his question.

"And what exactly do you ask of us?" Wednesday demanded. Lilac's eyebrows lowered and turned her everlasting grin into what the author thought was a seductive smile.

"Not him- just you, Wednesday." Lilac pushed her right hand forward and Lucas flew into the back wall, knocking his head against the stone.

"Lucas!" Wednesday called desperately to her unconscious fiancé. Lilac began to inch closer to her.

"Don't worry about him, Wednesday. He's just a boy who can't handle your awesomeness." She took a bigger step as Wednesday eyed her crossbow. "I could give you _so _much more, as I've just demonstrated on your painfully average fiancé." She was now close enough to caress Wednesday's cheek. Wednesday grabbed her wrist and tried to force her away, but she was way too strong, even for her. She glanced back at Lucas again before looking the Mary Sue in the eye. To her disgust, they'd changed in color to pink.

"I thought you're my cousin." Wednesday tried to stop this twisted part of the fic right now.

"We're Addamses, it doesn't matter." Lilac said and forced her lips to Wednesday's. The overly-sweet taste of her mouth made Wednesday want to throw up. Lilac tackled Wednesday to the ground and began to go for the buttons on her dress; Wednesday thanked the almighty Charles for giving her so many. But to her horror, Lilac didn't have the patience to undo them all, and was about to use her strength the rip the dress open. Wednesday somehow managed to free one of her arms to reach other to her crossbow. Thankfully, it was already loaded, so all she had to do was aim it at the Mary Sue's face, and fire.

The arrow went into Lilac's left eye with a squish and the girl fell backwards, shrieking for a few moments before she went silent. Wednesday ignored her and knelt down by Lucas. She breathed a sigh of relief when his eyes began to flutter open.

"Di?" He asked weakly.

"Yes, love, it's me." She whispered to him and ran her hand through the slightly curly dark hair on the back of his head to see if he was bleeding. There was a little bit of blood matting his hair together, but nothing seriously life-threatening. He would need stitches if they got out of there. This was a bit worrying considering that there had been no word from the author, even after her precious OC had been killed- or so she thought.

"Ow." a voice said from behind her. Wednesday stood immediately and turned around to see Lilac facing her, the arrow still in her eye. "That actually hurt a little bit." She said and reached for the arrow. She gritted her teeth and pulled it out, along with her eye. Not three seconds later, another eye grew in; this one sparkled even more than the original and was red. She sighed in relief. "Much better." She said to Wednesday, who was staring at her wide-eyed.

"Holy sh-"

"ACCIO CHAINS!" Lilac yelled. Wednesday didn't have enough time to process what exactly the Mary Sue had said before she was magically chained to the wall, Fortunato-style. When she tried to break free, the cuffs around her wrists and ankles cut into her skin.

"I guess you just won't do." Lilac said and turned her attention to Lucas, still on the floor.

"I thought you said he was mediocre!" Wednesday said to her. Lilac grinned.

"Right now he is." She said ominously and pulled what looked like a pink wand out of thin air. She aimed it at Lucas and yelled, "Sexia!" Lucas was forced to his feet. Within seconds, all of his strength had returned to him, and then the changes began. His hair turned several shades lighter and rearranged itself into an unmistakable Bieber cut. His brown eyes changed to the exact shade of blue as Aaron Tveit's, and he grew several inches taller. He gained an unbelievable amount of muscle definition, and a tan that could only be achieved after a week on the beaches of Hawaii. By the time the transformation was complete, Lucas had become the epitome of a sex god.

"NO!" Wednesday screamed as Lilac strutted up to him and ran her hand over his perfect abs. Her disgust at seeing Lucas like that was topped only by the pure sadness at seeing the look of lust towards Lilac in his eyes. The author had succeeded in turning him into the male equivalent of Lilac; a Gary Stu. She wished the author had the mercy to kill her.

Lucas and Lilac were about to snog senselessly, when a gigantic tentacle shot up from a sewer drain. It grabbed Lilac by the leg and dragged her down.

"OMIGOD IT'S SO GROSS!" She called from the sewer along with a series of obscenities. Wednesday was completely shocked while Stu!Lucas smiled and mindlessly hummed his solo from One Normal Night. There was one last, loud shriek before a huge amount of rainbow goop shot out of the sewer. Wednesday had never been more thankful for the giant squid. But she also wondered how exactly she was going to get out of that place, now.

"**Ok, you know what? This fandom is too f-ing twisted! I'm out!" **The author's voice yelled. Suddenly, the chains restraining Wednesday disappeared. She turned her attention to Lucas, who was in the process of morphing back into the moderately-attractive, intelligent man she'd fallen in love with. She ran to him and looked into his eyes just as they darkened into his shade of brown.

"That was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced in my entire life- and I've seen Willy Wonka!" He exclaimed. Wednesday grabbed him in a tight embrace just as an open door appeared before them. Outside, it was nighttime and pouring in the Addams graveyard.

"Would you like to just forget this ever happened?" Wednesday asked her flawed fiancé.

"Please." Lucas said and took her hand as she led him out into the rain and darkness.

"Oh, and remind me to thank Bernice later."


End file.
